Mood:  chillin'

Today is a strange day.  I should be...but I'm not.  I look up and my quiet afternoon is almost over.  Since I find there is really no one I can talk to with complete trust, I decided to talk to Angelfire.  With complete anonymity, maybe I can be totally honest with myself.  Something's gotta give.

I've turned my life upside down so many times over the last few years I need to be still and contemplate for awhile.  I was trying to keep a journal, but I don't even trust I can keep that private.  It is a worry I don't want.

I feel like I'm on the verge of finding a direction at last.  While I am excited about the prospects of it, there is a large hole in the middle.  I have trust issues with my lover.  It makes me feel mean and small.  I want to trust, but so many things happen to keep me off center.  But I don't want to discuss that now.

As I write, I realize I may not even be able to be completely honest here!  It's from being run down and mauled so much recently...I can't trust much of anything or anyone.  Maybe that is my biggest issue.  How do I get back my ability to trust?

I used to say I trust people to be who they are.  But the reality was I trusted people.  Now I trust no one.  Even when I can rationalize what some of them did and why, it doesn't make it hurt less. 

I feel like a thoroughbred in the starting gate against my will, kicking and screaming to get out, in need of blinders to calm me down so I can focus forward.  How do I put blinders on myself so I can quit hurting about what those to the left and right are doing?  How do I find daylight and breeze on by?  It is what has to be done to win.  I guess the "win" has to be the most important; the biggest passion in my life. 

Next question: what exactly is "the win?"  I used to know, rather I thought I knew.  Boy, was I wrong!  Not only was I wrong about the location of the finish line...I wasn't even at the right track!  Since most of them look the same from inside the starting gate, how do you know where you are?!

FIrst of all, don't trust the handlers.  They are incompetent.  If you want to get to the right tractk, drive the van yourself.  But how do you grip the wheel with hooves? HAHA!

I've been in training my whole life for the part that is left.  I can feel it.  Sometimes I can almost see it. I need the blinders.  BIG ONES for my big eyes and ear plugs for my sensitive hearing.  And kind hands and gentle caring to urge me on.  A slap on the rump now and then to keep me in line.  I'm flying down the track.  Bumping, grinding,sweating, frantic.  Then breezing. I pull out into free space.  No one to the left.  No one to the right.  My treasured caregiver/trainer/barn buddies just over the finish line waiting to welcome me home.  I'm wearing the roses.  Taking a long, slow breath.  Trotting home to CONTENTMENT.  Maybe that is the prize?  Warm, snuggly contentment.